Issa asks: "I've been dating a gentleman for about 6 weeks now (6 dates...1 per weekend). Major bump in the relationship this weekend. While driving me home, he asked me what I wanted from a relationship and I said someone kind and respectful. Up until just a few days ago, he had been very respectful, but it seems like everything has changed now and I'm very, very confused. I said I liked relaxing together and sitting on the porch and just being comfortable. I then asked him what he wanted and, all of a sudden, I get a list of about four things that I'm doing wrong or things he doesn't like. And, three of them began with, well "Julie" used to do this (of course, that is the previous girlfriend). One of the things he listed is what my question is about.
Theirs had been a long distance relationship and I guess she always drove to see him. Out of the 6 dates, he's driven 5 of those times, but I had no idea he minded this. He said that wasn't really fair to him. My question is, are women supposed to drive half of the time?
The history is I'm in my 40s, a new school teacher (3rd year) and have been divorced for 2 1/2 years after being married for 18. He is a manager at a bank. He has never been married and told me that he dated a woman for 14 years, but only saw her maybe every couple of months. He also said that he likes a clean house (I do have quite a bit of clutter) and even said negative things about his sister's house being dirty. We met at a Panera shop once and when it was time to leave, I had kissed his neck and ear. He told me tonight that he does not really like public displays of affection (even though he said he liked it when it was happening). Is the woman really supposed to drive half of the time? I just feel really weird about everything that has happened with this gentleman this evening
."
Hi Issa. I'd drop this guy like a hot potato if I were you. Not only is he telling you after the fact what he likes and dislikes, he's giving you several large red flags all at once: he mostly dates women casually (seeing them once every couple of months for years on end), doesn't commit, and sees women only as providers to him, catering to his every need - not a two way street. Sure, differences in opinion regarding PDAs and cleanliness are potential issues. At the very least they are discussion points, ways to see if you're on the same page, and an opportunity to connect with one another. In my opinion, the two of you aren't connecting, nor are you wanting the same things.
I realize I haven't addressed your main question - should women drive half the time - because to me the question is moot. I don't think that you driving half the time is the issue. But so that I don't look like I'm not answering your question? I think it depends on the relationship. I've never heard of who drives where being an issue (in several thousand dating questions received throughout the years) unless it was a long distance relationship. In that case, its polite to switch things up and take turns, but finances and family commitments can take precedence. In my experience, people who live close to one another rarely have this discussion; folks usually want to see each other however they can in the early stages of a relationship, so who drives whom rarely comes up (again, unless there are kids and/or one person makes a lot more money than the other).
I'd let the gent know kindly and quickly that things aren't working out for you and move on. After six dates I don't feel that you need to do this in person, and frankly I wouldn't recommend it. My hunch is that a respectful response won't be forthcoming, based on what you've shared already. So the next time he calls, let him know you're busy and think it would be best if the two of you didn't see each other anymore. And if he doesn't call again? Problem solved.
He Tells Me What I'm 'Doing Wrong' Well After I Do It. What Now? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, February 21st, 2010 at 12:50:55.
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As a Canadian, I've already celebrated Thanksgiving this year, and am grateful that I avoided another Thanksgiving dating disaster. It is my firm belief that I was able to reduce holiday stress with some careful planning and forethought.
So don't let the pressure of the holidays get to you! Start planning now, whether its to meet someone new during the holidays, celebrate being single, meeting the parents, planning a romantic dinner or trying to please both of your families.
Planning For The Holidays originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, October 25th, 2009 at 22:43:00.
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In the dating forums, HaroldHeart asks: "I've been dating a number of women that I've met through on-line dating sites like Match.com. Everything seems to be going right, we talk, we laugh, we seem to get along well. Then suddenly they break it off (after the 2nd or 3rd date) because there isn't 'chemistry'. This is enormously frustrating for me, because I generally like these women a lot. How can I create 'chemistry?' "
Harold, I want to tread lightly here. Even from your first few words in the forum I got the impression that your self esteem was in a fragile place. It didn't take too long for you to share with the other forum members that you had contemplated suicide after a woman with whom you'd had three dates with told you it was over.
So before we go any further - can I first say: please, PLEASE speak with a mental health professional about your feelings as soon as possible, even if you currently are not feeling suicidal. It isn't a normal state of affairs for anyone to feel that down in the dumps after only a few dates, and when it happens repeatedly, its a difficult headspace to climb out of. As much as I'd like to assist here, there is only so much I can do via a forum or blog. About.com's Guide to Depression has a great list of resources for suicide prevention if you require a starting point. Once you've had a few sessions under your belt with a trained therapist, I hope you come back to read the rest of what I have to share here.
So how can you create chemistry? Its a double edged sword really: on one hand its impossible to click with everyone, but on the other there are things you can do to increase your chances. Success in creating chemistry is combining the two ideas and mixing them into something that works just for you.
Let's start with the first aspect: the 'click' factor. When a woman tells you she's not feeling any chemistry after the first few dates, its not because she isn't attracted to you. Few women will go out with a man they find unattractive, much less for 2 or 3 dates in a row. No, what they are referring to is the lack of 'pull' - that magical little oh-wow-he-makes-me-feel-something-nice-when-I-look-into-his-eyes sorta thing. If they (or you) don't even have a glimmer by date two or three? Well, then its time to move on.
Yet from your forum post you're saying that the pull has been there for you - going so far as to call some of the women 'perfect', yet your feelings weren't reciprocated. Why not?
My guess is that there is an element of neediness coming off in your interactions with women. "I need her to be perfect," or, "I need her to be The One," or, "I'm tired of dating and need her to make me feel good about myself again," or... well you get the jist. This kind of neediness comes out loud and clear to women, and the more you give her in the way of personal information, affection or praise, the worse it seems. Oddly, this isn't a bad thing a few months or even a year into a long term relationship, but early on it spells a quick end.
The next aspect then is how to 'pull' women towards you, and the best way I can explain this is by going back to the comment about self esteem I made earlier: you need to feel good about you. Confidence is attractive, and when you feel in control of your emotions, you don't feel the need to share everything with someone right away in the hopes that they'll 'like' you. Instead, you are sitting back and enjoying their company, getting to know them better and determining if they would be a good fit in your life. By doing this, you 'pull' women to you, almost effortlessly. It is a concept universal to most dating how-to's, even ones that seem like complete opposites - like Neil Strauss' The Rules Of The Game and Arielle Ford's The The Soulmate Secret. Both espouse self confidence and drawing people to you to find whatever it is you are looking for, although their tactics differ greatly.
But what about you, dear reader? What do you think Harold can do to create chemistry? Do you think its possible, or does he just need to wait until the right woman comes into his life?
Related: Test Your Chemistry, Low Self Esteem in Dating Relationships, Relationship Expectations, The Rules of Dating.
Why Can't I Create Chemistry? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, February 15th, 2010 at 03:27:43.
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If you or your sweetie have been dropping hints this year to go somewhere special this Valentine's Day, now is the time to plan and book your romantic getaway - or a staycation if the idea suits your pocketbook or work requirements more. Some ideas:
And what about those of you staying home this Valentine's Day? I've got a host of
cheap Valentine's Day ideas compiled already, as well as a list of
romantic Valentines Day ideas. Some of my favorites:
- Buy some massage oils or bars (Buy Direct) and make a night of working through a whole book devoted to the subject together, such as Sensual Massage Made Simple (Buy Direct).
- Gather together the fixings for each of your favorite sundae toppings, and then have fun making the ultimate masterpiece for each other instead of doing it yourself.
- Play a couples game together, letting the winner choose his or her prize beforehand. Perhaps breakfast in bed, or a fantasy lived out? Its your choice.
- Ladies, there are a great many Valentine's Day costumes to dress up in, or both of you could dress up and play out some of your more original or unique daydreams with your partner. (For costume ideas, try the Halloween Costumes for Couples or Singles articles - some of the singles options are particular sexy and appropriate).
Are you going away this Valentine's Day, or stay at home and spend some quality time with the person you're dating?
Romantic Valentine's Day Travel or Romantic Staycation? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 22:27:28.
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Welcome to the November 6, 2009 edition of the dating blog carnival. There were more submissions than I knew what to do with - and with room for only a few, that posed a bit of a problem. Still, that means there's demand once again to get this carnival off the ground. So without further fanfare, here are my favorite picks this time around.
Danny Dagan over at That Danny shares an interesting dating advice piece called Dear Danny - What to do with an Internet Stalker?. One of his readers, a 27-year-old woman, asks Danny what to do about her ex who contacted her on Facebook. I was thrilled to see that Danny, like myself, doesn't see attempts at random chat on Facebook as stalking.
Tip Diva suggests in her article Top Ten Tips - Meeting Someone Offline that, among other things, singles should either Google their date or hire a firm to perform a background check on them before meeting face to face. While I think that particular suggestion is terribly extreme (and don't recommend it), her other suggestions are simple but work.
Ah,
Madeleine Begun Kane is back again with her irreverent dating-related poetry. My Confession is her contribution this week, which was originally posted at Mad Kane's Humor Blog.
Staying with the humor theme, P.L. Frederick shares You Know The Date's Over When... (Part 1) posted at Small and Big. A short, sweet and tongue in cheek list for those who need a giggle.
bookfundas shares a quick dating book review of Allan Pease's provocative Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps.
Rachel Sarah, aka Single Mom Seeking over at Singlemommyhood.com wants to know Why do single moms date married men? Its another provocative topic, and I've asked myself the same question a few times as well. Rachel has decided to review the reasons, and her readers go into great detail as to why they agree or disagree.
Shauna Heathman, an Image Consultant posting over at Mackenzie's Blog rounds out this week's top picks with You've Let Yourself Go ? A relationship guru offers insight. Focusing on why men (although the conversation works just as well for women) decide they no longer need to take care of themselves once they get comfy in a long term relationship.
That concludes this edition. To submit your blog article to the next edition of dating using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.
Dating Blog Carnival For November 6, 2009 originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, November 6th, 2009 at 00:00:34.
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