Are There Any Legitimate Adult Dating Sites Out There?

Stephen asks: "I am trying to find a 'real' adult dating site. It seems all that I have come across do not have real/true information... as if it has been hyped to get you to join. Amateur Match is one for sure. The people on there either do not exist or are trumped up. I sent the company an email to complain, but they didn't reply. And when I clicked on a picture, the city and/or state changed to someplace nearby... what a scam. There has to be a legitimate adult dating site out there. Help?"

Hi Stephen, and thanks to my colleague Cory Silverberg (About.com's Guide to Sexuality) for sending you my way. To answer your question: it depends on what you mean by legitimate. Are you looking for an adult dating site that caters to adult encounters or casual sex, that isn't full of scammers or fake profiles? If that's the case, I'll admit its pretty hard to find. My first recommendation would be to try Lavalife's Intimate Encounters section; you sign up with them and then decide which of the three sections you want to be a part of (Dating, Relationships or Intimate Encounters). You can use different handles in each section under the same account too, so no one will be any wiser if you want to advertise for one thing in one place without ruining your chances for something more should it come up.

Its pretty hard for any site these days (especially the big ones) to stop fake profiles and scammers from signing up, but I think I get what you're after. There are a lot of adult dating sites that don't have a lot of users, or use sneaky marketing tactics like the bait and switch you're referring to. We've all seen them - the ads show a bevvy of beautiful women in your area, but when you sign up, you realize that the women were just ads that were geographically targeted to your search preferences.

After Lavalife, I only know of four others that are worth mentioning: Club Intimate, Fling, Adult Match Doctor and Sexy Ads. The last one I haven't actually reviewed fully, but the site owners took the time to add a profile on this site. Adult dating sites I don't recommend? ShagPal and Adult Friend Finder.

So dear readers: have you used an adult dating site that you can recommend, or want to warn other users about? Here's the form to fill out for either situation. [read more]

New Dating Sites for the Week of July 7th, 2010

Every week, dating site owners submit their dating sites to our database. Here's this week's roundup.

FleshPimp
Free adult dating site.

Interracial Socializing
Pay-per-use dating site focusing on singles wanting a relationship with someone of a different race.

Limenice
Bulgarian-language dating site, soon to be an international dating site.

Millionaire Cougar
Niche dating site specializing in rich women who like younger men, or rich men wanting younger women.

Amolatina
International dating site focusing on Latin singles.

Positive Dating Personals
For singles with a sexually transmitted disease, or those who don't mind dating someone who has one.

FussyOnes
Totally free dating site.

Ukrainian Brides
Matrimonial dating site for primarily men wanting to marry a Ukrainian woman.

Hit This Now Network
What looks to be an adult dating site with a strong social networking twist.

Military Hotspot
Niche dating site specializing in members of the military and the folks who want to meet them for a date.

Have you used one of these dating sites? Then review it! Reader dating site reviews. [read more]

Reader Stories - What's New

There's comfort in hearing that someone else has been through what you have, as well having your story heard. That's why our readers share their dating-related stories - from breakups ...

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How Much Does Mood Affect Your Attractiveness?

A single friend of mine is down in the dumps. He's miserable, angry, frustrated, you name it - and it shows. So when he asked me today why no one wanted to meet him off a dating site, I paused before answering.

Because in my opinion? Mood does affect one's attractiveness. Without question.

A number of years ago I did something I've since labeled my smiling experiment, where I spent an evening sharing my 100-watt smile to everyone I encountered on a busy weekend night. Prior to my very non-scientific test, I was in a similar head space as my friend. I couldn't attract someone for the life of me and it was really starting to get to me. So instead of moping about it, I went out and tried something new. I genuinely smiled. At everyone. Even though I really didn't feel like it, and even though (at the time) I felt horrible about myself. Within two hours my mood had changed dramatically - and with it, my attractiveness meter skyrocketed.

With that story in mind, I wanted to tell my friend that all he had to do was change his mood. Somehow, he had to start feeling better about himself before he'd be attractive again. "Try some Wii Boxing," I suggested initially, thinking the endorphin rush would assist him in feeling better while still remaining tactful. He did, and it helped, but he was still frustrated - so I decided to share my smiling experiment trick. "Go for a walk and smile at everyone you encounter. I don't care who they are or what they are doing, just give them a smile that would light up any room, and then continue on your way. Don't ask for anything, don't linger, just smile and keep on walking. Then call me when you get back."

My friend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm hoping that my tactic worked for him as well as its worked for me. But I'm curious: do you find that your mood affects your attractiveness? If so, what do you do to change it?

Related: Attract Someone Myths, Why Can't I Create Chemistry?, How Low Self Esteem Affects Dating Relationships. [read more]

Do I Need To Tweak My Dating Profile To Meet Women?

I had an interesting conversation with a man the other day, who asked me why he was struggling so much to meet women. He's using (among other sites) OkCupid to find a match, and he was frustrated in his high Enemy rating of 40%+ with most of the women on the site. For those who aren't familiar, OkCupid is primarily a quiz-based or matchmaking dating site, where users can create their own compatibility questions, and other users take them. Each profile has a Match, Friend and Enemy rating that is compared with other users to show (supposedly) how well they'd get along. The more questions you answer, I find, the more accurate the matching mechanisms.

So this gent had an issue. His Enemy rating was uncharacteristically high, and he still wanted to meet a woman to date. Honestly, truly, really, just date. Not friends with benefits, but no sort of serious commitment either; he's just starting his own business and can't invest what he feels is the necessary time required into anything else at the moment. Casual dating was the term he used, and I understood his definition of it.

I looked at said gent's dating profile, and immediately noticed that there were two aspects that seemed skewed: his religious beliefs and his sexual needs. Both showed him as being very conservative, even though nothing on his profile foretold a glimmer of either. In fact, after speaking with him at length I found the man to be open-minded, intelligent, engaging, and a big flirt -- not at all what I'd expect from someone who (a) wanted to date casually, and (b) considered himself to be "Mr. Vanilla".

Next, I ventured more into why he didn't feel his compatibility questions matched who he truly is. His explanation:

"I socialize with very few people from my religion. Most of my close friends - not associates, but closest kin - are not of my faith. I am only tight with a handful from my faith. I prefer choosing my companions based on intelligence, wit, humor and integrity. With sex, well I know that I am Mr. Vanilla, the boring guy, yet none of my player bros ever held that against me, neither do my gay buds, bisexual friends, nor lesbian comrades. Sure I don't fit in with the same sexual vibe, but none of that has ever meant anything with how we hung out."

Which for me, explained everything; the questions on OkCupid didn't adequately measure his tolerance for other folks and their beliefs/opinions/experiences, but rather, merely how he feel at the time he answered them. Not wanting a commitment may also be a large factor as well; most of the women I speak with that use online dating sites are looking for one.

I also believe that sexual preferences/needs/desires are a huge factor in compatibility, so again, this may be why his numbers are skewed in that direction. OkCupid is a dating site, and therefore, sex would rate higher (for most women) than it would if it were a friends-only zone. For those that are looking just for friends with benefits? Well, I'd hazard that the sexual compatibilities would be even more important.

Maybe success in meeting women will require a shift in thinking for him then. Maybe saying, "No commitments for me right now," is too black and white. More of a, "I've got a lot on my plate and don't have a lot of time for a normal relationship, but it is my ultimate goal at some point. Yet if I meet someone amazing, I'm sure I could find room for her in my life," would be more fitting -- because if a woman is to be a potential life partner, then it would only stand to reason that she'd understand, accept and even embrace his dreams, goals and aspirations as they stand.

What do you think? Is there some more tweaking this gentleman should do, or is he on the right track? Have you ever been in a similar position? How did you handle it?

Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Free Dating Profile Help, Online Dating How To. [read more]

Can You Predict Being Single?

I receive a weekly newsletter from a Vedic astrologer by the name of Carol Allen. Vedic astrology, for those that aren't familiar, is an astrology system from India that is similar in some ways to Western astrology (houses, transits, etc.) but differs greatly in its interpretation and setup. Allen specializes in astrological love relationships, so its always fun to get one of her newsletters and get a whole new viewpoint about dating.

What intrigued me this week was Allen's opening line:

"Did you know that women who are chronically single have observable combinations in their charts that cause them to be and often stay that way?"

Fans of Allen's know that this is something she discusses often: that we all have markers in our astrological charts that 'tell' us what we'll struggle with and what will come easily to us throughout our lives. There's even a seven-year stretch in Vedic astrology that we all go through at some point in time at least once in our lives, where everything you try to do just plain doesn't work, and relationships are a struggle even under the best of circumstances. (read more: Cycles of Saturn)

But I digress. What interests me most about Allen's statement is that, she feels, we can predict being single based on our birth date, and a host of other information that spawns from that information. Allen even goes so far as to say in her newsletter that she can tell if a client is single before they meet face to face, just based on their chart.

A few months back I took a better look at Allen's system, and ordered the Single Syndrome package she's got for sale. Its expensive ($150 USD for the cheapest version), and I need to review the package fully here for all of you. But did it tell me if I was single or not, or what I struggle with in my dating life? Yes. There were quite a few calculations I had to do myself, but when I was done, it was clear as day where I stood relationship-wise -- and almost shockingly so in some parts. Allen also provides ideas on suggestions on how to work through any issues that crop up in the analysis.

So my question to you is this: do you think someone can predict being single based on an astrological chart? And, if singleness can be predicted, do you think its fixable if its 'in the stars'? Why or why not?

Related: Subscribe to my dating newsletter, subscribe to Carol Allen's newsletter, Why You're Still Single, Being Single and Happy Songs. [read more]

Reader Dating Stories - What's New

A roundup of this week's reader stories:

How To Recognize Love shared by Her wkelly61 (Share Your Love Story)
"Seeing that we have just met recently, and a short time has elapsed, many of my friends and family feel it is too soon to be in love. I say BULL!! I am older, wiser, and know what I want."

How To Recognize Love shared by luv4ever (Share Your Love Story)
"i am only 11. im not supposed to be "in love" but i really like him."

Defining Pansexuality shared by Elymi (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"I would date a transgendered man as soon as I would a man that was born that way, and the same for women."

Flirty Text Messages shared by Elymi (Share Your Flirty Text Message Ideas)
"i said, "watcha doin?" and he said, "talking to a cute girl." i said, "oh cool whats her name?" and he said my name..." And a reader submission:

Conscious Dating shared by Collette Kenney (Share Your Dating Blog)
"It is my mission to help you achieve YOUR mission of creating the life you love with the love of your life." [read more]

Dating Reality Shows - Would You Go On One To Meet Someone?

Other than my fascination with Dating in the Dark, I've pretty much avoided dating reality shows. I'm aware that there are a slew to choose from (Momma's Boys, The Bachelor, Farmer Wants a Wife), but beyond that I rarely follow what's going on.

Yet today a news piece caught my eye about the most recent Bachelor couple, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi. Their three month long courtship ended and the breakup just announced a few days ago, and now the ex's are slated to be on one more Bachelor episode. Which lead me to think: how many dating reality show couples actually make it to a long term relationship or marriage?

I could only find a select few that were still together six months to a year after their shows aired, although surprisingly, the data was really hard to come by either way. Still, dating reality shows are big business, and they don't seem to be slowing down in terms of numbers, viewership, or new ideas slated for airing.

So then let me ask you, dear readers: would you go on a dating reality show to meet new people? Why or why not? Would it depend on the type of show - guaranteed to meet someone like Elimidate, or fend for yourself like Flavor of Love? Do you think lasting, true love is possible if the beginnings of the relationship started in front of an audience? [read more]

Being 'Lucky' in Love

Have you ever had a friend that attracted people wherever they went, never seemed to stay single long, and were able to fall in love at the drop of a ...

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Why Won't He Date Me - Dating Question

Sandboxes asks, "I am 47, "Bob" is 39. We connected using 'Are You Interested' on Facebook and he added me as a friend. Then it turned out we have a mutual friend in his brother-in-law. I told Bob I am attracted to him and would like to meet for a coffee. Bob says he doesn't "see a match".

Two weeks ago Bob abruptly announced he just started dating someone and "it's serious". Despite this, Bob told me in the past he's too shy to approach women and he waits for them to ask him out. From what I can see of his profile, Bob is a serial dater and has children from two previous relationships. He just seems to be lost without a woman in his life and he frequently adds new women he meets on "Are You Interested".

My question: What is Bob's problem? I've told him I'm interested. He knows what I look like. He knows my background, schooling, etc. His brother-in-law has met me, knows my reputation, and in fact told me that Bob was talking about me at a family get-together recently. But Bob would rather date other women. Are all men this confusing, with mixed messages and rules that only they know?"

Sandboxes, I'm going to be blunt: Bob doesn't have a problem. You do. Why are you investing so much time and energy into a man who, by your own admission, isn't dateable nor interested? He made it clear from the start when you asked him out that he didn't see a match. How is that playing by dating rules only he knows? Sure, the rejection hurts. Yet he was honest, and I've lost count of the women who have told me throughout the years, "Why couldn't he just tell me he wasn't interested?"

Well, Bob did, but you didn't want to hear it. So what's a guy supposed to do? He's in a serious relationship now. Leave him alone, stop using Facebook to check his status, and stop analyzing why he's doing whatever he's doing. In Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliot wisely suggests that each time you think of an ex (in this case, a man you're attached to that hasn't reciprocated) you say to yourself, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." Because really, he doesn't matter. You do.

Its time to start prioritizing your needs, not some man's that you barely know. Break your bad love habits, and find some new ways to feel good. After a few weeks, you'll forget completely about Bob and will have a better relationship with yourself to offer someone new.

Related: Relationship Expectations, Am I Ready To Date Again?, Dealing with Unfinished Business, When Not To Date. [read more]