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Will Your Love Last?

Its rare that a week goes by where I don't get asked by a reader through the dating forums or dating advice request form whether or not I think their ...

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Stubbly Men More Appealing, Says Study

Psychology Today had an interesting article in their November 2008 edition that spoke of how men with either a bit of stubble or a short beard were more attractive than a clean-shaven or fully bearded man, and that guys with longer facial hair were deemed more manly, powerful, aggressive and seasoned than their baby-faced counterparts.

There was a caveat to the study however: the sixty women interviewed found the men with light stubble the most suitable for both short and long term relationships, which the article explained away as saying stubble means you're mature enough to have facial hair, but a full beard is too much of a good thing. Still, several of the study participants felt the need to share with the researchers at Northumbria University that, even though they found a clean-shaven man less attractive, they preferred their partners to have a smooth face when they were intimate together.

What do you think? Do men with a bit of stubble appeal to you more, or would you rather they sport a clean-shaven look?

For More Information:

Reference: Hutson, M. (2008, November). In the Rough. Psychology Today, 41(6), 24-24. [read more]

Low Income Mothers Don't Trust Men

... or so says a study shared in the Journal of Marriage and Family, as reported by Science News. Almost all of the participants in the study (96%!) were found to have "strong distrust" of the opposite sex, yet when asked about their current relationship, they stated it was of a "trusting" nature. As well, the distrust of said men didn't stop these low income women from entering into romantic, long term relationships.

I have to say that reading this study made me pause, as did the friends I shared it with. The actual information didn't surprise any of us. Rather, the percentage of women is what was frightening. Do virtually all lower income women find men untrustworthy? And if so, why are they entering into relationships with essentially the same gender they have obvious unresolved issues with?

The study went on to say that because of this mismatched trust (feeling distrustful of men in general but stating that their current relationship was trustworthy) put the women who were a part of the study at further risk for unhealthy relationships, basically doing whatever they had to to give their partner the benefit of the doubt.

What do you think about the findings of this study? What would you suggest to low income moms, or the men who date them, in response to this study?

Related: When Not To Date [read more]

She Doesn't Want To Have Sex With Me Anymore

Julian asks: "I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and since the beginning we have been having sex. All of a sudden though, she tells me that she does not want to "disrespect" her body and that she does not want us having sex anymore. I feel like she should not have made such a big decision that affects both of us without even talking to me about it beforehand. I love her very much and to me the sex was a way of showing that love. It seems to me that if a relationship was sexually active, and that factor is suddenly taken away, the relationship can't be expected to be the same. Any advice?"

I agree that your relationship with your girlfriend cannot be the same as it was before, as what sounds like a big part of the way the two of you share your affection was through sexual intercourse has now been removed from the equation. However, I think that having sex or not having sex isn't the question.

Yes, it would have been much easier and kinder if your girlfriend to have talked to you about what was going through her mind before she made a decision. When you enter into a relationship with someone, part of that process is agreeing that any major decisions that affect the both of you are discussed, first. Someone gets offered their dream job 400 miles away, an ex invites you to their wedding, or who to spend the holidays with are all conversations better had, together, before a decision has been made.

Sex however is a tricky one, because for many people it is very difficult to talk to their partner about their needs and wants. Using the word "disrespect" tells me that your girlfriend has been struggling with this for some time and needs you to understand her dilemma. It wasn't easy for her I'm sure to tell you about her decision, but I'll hazard a guess that it had very little to do with you. Rather, some outside force is "telling" her that sex is shameful, bad or not to be shared with someone she isn't married to. Problem is, it doesn't sound like you know which category her decision falls into.

Ask her why she feels sex is disrespectful to her body, and try to really listen to what she's saying. I know its difficult to hear from the person you love that they want to stop an important aspect of your relationship, but if you want to make things work with this woman, you are going to have to bite your tongue (and pride) and find out the reasons why she feels this way. When did this become a problem, and why? What is she hoping to gain from not having sex with you anymore? Is all affection off limits (kissing, touching, hand holding), or just sex itself? Has she talked to a mental health professional, medical expert, sex therapist or someone in her religion and/or family about her decision?

Once you have a better idea as to what the reasoning is behind her decision, you can sit down together and talk about how a sexless relationship will affect the both of you, and whether or not it is something you can go back to. I know of women who have stopped having sex with their partners to prompt a marriage proposal, others who have found a religious calling, and yet others who were feeling depressed and didn't find sex at all satisfying anymore. Whatever her reason, you'll have to weigh your feelings on the matter, see if the two of you can come to a compromise (or at the very least get some professional help on the matter), and if not, determine whether or not your relationship can evolve into something new or if it is time for the two of you to part ways.

Related: Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level Or Breakup?, The Problem of Desire in Long Term Relationships. [read more]

Getting Crafty For Valentine's Day

I'm not a huge Valentine's Day person, I'll admit. But the year that the guy I was dating at the time made me both a gift (a photo book) and dinner (a luxurious all-out affair) is one that I'll never, ever forget. So if you're the crafty type who wants to make something special for your sweetie - or hey, even for yourself if you're single - then some of my fellow Guides here at About.com have the digs:

Valentine's Day Knitting Projects
My favorite? The 'hugs and kisses' XOXO scarf, which I've knit a few times myself.

Beaded Safety Pin Patterns
Maybe for the younger set, but still fun nonetheless.

DIY Sexy Valentine's Day Gifts
A whole host of fun, exciting and very sexy ideas to make for your partner.

Valentine's Day Quilts
Ok, you might not have time to make a whole quilt before February 14th, but maybe you do if you start now? Quilters, you'll have to chime in on this one.

Valentine's Day Soap Projects
Ooh, yummy. Ok I think I might have to try a few of these myself. Not for my partner. No, no. For myself! Hm, or maybe I'll try making these cocoa butter massage bars instead.

Fabric Heart Treat Bag
From our Guide to Sewing, a cute little bag to make that could hold something small but significant.

Valentine's Day Pottery Projects
A vase to hold those valentine's day flowers perhaps?

Valentine's Day Painting Projects
Wow, there's a huge list of ideas and projects to choose from here, most of which are perfect for beginners.

Valentine's Day Jewelry Making Projects
A three page list of jewelry projects, mostly for women, that are skewed from beginners to advanced levels.

Draw a Manga Valentine's Day Card
Unusual but perfect for the manga-lover in your life.

Crocheted Valentine's Day Arrangement
With a few flowers from your garden, this would make a lovely gift.

Free Bead Patterns for Valentine's Day
A handful of cute, small projects from the Guide to Beadwork.

Love Coupons
Inexpensive and easy enough for anyone to do, you can use the list of ideas presented here or make your own. Make Your Own Valentine's Day Cards
So much more personal when you do it yourself, with the help of some ink and stamps.

Create a Romantic Presentation
Alright, so its not quite crafty, but it is DIY. Use Powerpoint to make your partner a Valentine's Day themed presentation with the tips and tricks suggested here. [read more]

Reader Asks For Some Senior Dating Help

Stuart is a 60-something single gay man who hasn't dated in over 30 years, mostly because he's been taking care of an ailing parent in a challenging situation. He's eager to meet someone, and specifically wants to find a kindred soul that understands his unique situation - but he has no idea where to start, much less how to navigate the senior dating waters - which admittedly are very different from those we tread in during our 20s, 30s, and beyond.

Stuart would like suggestions on how to find someone as well as how to make time for a new relationship, and is eager to hear from other singles in similar life circumstances, especially those who identify as being gay or bisexual. I've got my own ideas for Stuart which I've posted (When Taking Care of an Ailing Parent, How Do You Date?), but I'd love to hear what you think.

Related: How To Meet a Guy (for Gay Men), Healthy Senior Sex [read more]

How Do I Ask Her Out?

Shawn asks: "I've started college and there's a girl on my dorm floor that I really like. We don't have any classes together, but we talk all the time in the common area. It's at the point where I go to study in there just to see her, and then we end up talking for hours. The last time I saw her, she went on and on about some guy she had a crush on, but then found out he wasn't old enough to drink so she wanted to move on. Am I in the friend zone, or is there some way I can ask her out?"

Bonny's answer: There's an easy way to find out if she's open to dating you, and that's by asking her point blank if she'd like to go on a date. The next time you see her, try something like, "I had a great time talking the other night. How about we do it again on Thursday, but this time over dinner?"

It's simple, easy, and lets her say no if she's not interested, doesn't want to date someone who lives so close to her, or is still really interested in that other guy and just wanted your opinion on the matter. If she says no, you can assume it has nothing to do with you, and it saves you both from feeling embarrassed when you inevitably run into one another again. If she says yes, you know she's interested - at least a little bit. But if you don't ask at all? You'll never know, and you'll slide deeper and deeper into friends-only territory, with no hopes of ever getting past conversation starters alone.

There's a Pick Up Artist (PUA) "rule" that you have to talk to a woman you're interested in within a few seconds of seeing her. The longer you wait, the more difficult the introduction gets and the less chance you have of getting the girl. Now, I'm not asking you to start studying to become a PUA, but I am suggesting you keep this one tactic in mind when talking to this girl again. The longer you wait, the harder the approach, and the less chance you'll have of dating her.

What do you think, dear readers? Would you give Shawn different advice, or do you agree with what I've said?

Related: College Dating, Pick Up Artist Blogs, Dinner and a Movie Date Ideas.

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Dating Articles You May Have Missed in September

When September rolls around, many of us get busy with back-to-school or fall activities, and thus might miss out on some information that they would otherwise find important. So, here's ...

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The 2012 Dating Readers' Choice Awards

For year two of the Dating Readers' Choice Awards, I'd like to add a significant number of categories for you, the readers, to nominate and vote upon as being your favorites. These are the categories we started with last year, and with links to the respective nominees and winners:

During the nomination period, I had several dating site owners, readers and experts suggest other categories that I'd missed, and so I took note to add them to this year's list. Therefore, the new categories for the Dating Readers' Choice Awards, are:

Nominations open January 18th, 2012 for this year's awards, so I'll post the forms and final categories soon. Until then, what do you think, dear readers? Have I forgotten an important category in the dating world that needs adding? Are there too many categories? [read more]

Is He Always Going To Think Of Me As The Crazy Girl?

Rani asks: My best friend got me and her childhood friend to start talking, but he lives 6 hours away from me and I've never met him. He told her initially he's not looking for a girlfriend, which was cool because I figured we could be friends. We talked for hours on the phone. For 4 months we were close. Then he started saying things like, I can't wait to see you, you're so interesting, you're my best friend. That got me really excited, and I thought maybe he meant as more than just friends.

I'd planned to meet him at a wedding near his place as a friend of mine had invited me. I told him about it, but then on the advice of my friends started playing games and told him I wanted to meet him, and then told him I didn't... I was all over the map. And then I read He's Just Not That Into You, which got me really depressed. This girl in the book said, "I got empowered and I said I don't need to talk to you anymore," so that night I texted him confessing that I was into him and that it sucks when the guy your into doesn't like you back. For 2-3 weeks after that he didn't call.

I contacted him to see what was up because I got impatient, and he told me he was sorry for everything but just wanted to be friends. So we talked for two hours, and he said he might be coming with my brother to visit soon but, "Don't go all nuts on me if I don't". I told him I'm cool - and I want to SHOW him that I'm cool. I regret playing games with this guy and really want to see him more than anything in the world. Do you think I can get him back, or is he always going to think of me as the crazy girl?

Oh Rani, I do feel for you. I get a lot of these kinds of emails every week, the "I acted crazy now how do I fix it?" kind of requests. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can suggest to you that you'll want to hear. If the two of you had been in a relationship for six months? My answer might be different, but not by much.

My advice is to take a huge step back from this guy. He's already got it in his head he's not into you like that, and with a six hour difference between where the two of you live, I doubt that will change. Plus, with your admitted "crazy girl' antics, it makes anything romantic that much harder.

I understand that you feel this guy is worth it, but there are many people in this world that you'll meet throughout your travels that will wow you. I think its time to take a step back and really get over this guy - get over a relationship that was nothing more than a friendship, because at no point did you ever meet, nor did he say he was into you - and start living your life for YOU. What struck me the most in your question was all of the maneuvering you were trying to do - from seeing him in the first place, to arranging to meet after the whole blow up so he'd see you weren't crazy. It's time to take a break from this guy and start doing things for YOU. Forget if he'll be somewhere or not. Forget trying to arrange your schedules. Forget about even interacting with the guy until you honestly feel like you can be just friends.

It's time to take your power back. Focus on getting yourself to a place of happiness with or without a guy and work on cultivating your self esteem. Spend some time mourning the relationship that could have been, kick the relationship bad habits, and make sure you've figured out some boundaries for yourself for the next time someone you like comes along. Then, be your amazing, feel good self - and you won't feel the need to play games to get a guy, because they'll be flocking to get YOUR attention.

Related: Self Esteem Quiz, Does He Like Me As A Friend Or More?, What Not To Do After A Breakup, Am I Ready To Date Again?, [read more]

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